Posts Tagged ‘Squeegee’

Wild Speculation: Sylvanus

See, here’s the thing. Sylvanus is a rather clever woman, overall.

So I ask you this: how did she miss something as huge as the betrayal of a huge number of apothecaries that, ostensibly, worked for her directly? How did she miss an entire plot designed to oust or kill her? How did she miss her own right hand demon thing plotting to take over her position in order to carry out the will of the Burning Legion?

I propose that she didn’t miss any of that.

I propose that she was very well aware of all of it.

I propose that she planned all of it.

Consider first the direct consequences of the Undercity Battle.

Let’s say Sylvanus was in charge of the weaponized plague used at the Wrathgate from the start. Let’s say all those “rogue” apothecaries were working for her all along.

What’s the easiest way to prevent all those people from ever telling their story? Why, brand them traitors and kill them all of course.

What’s the easiest way to do that without casting any suspicion on yourself? Why, get someone else to brand them all traitors, and then get someone else to kill them all for you.

Bonus points: what is the best way to test how a given fortification would hold up in a siege?

The answer is, of course, to lay siege to it.

Sylvanus got to experience both what an internal infiltration and an external invasion would look like. Not a small scale, war games invasion either, but huge, full fledged armies battling it out. And she got to see all of that first hand.

Meaning, of course, she can now make modifications and adjustments to the city, having experienced first hand the city’s strengths and weaknesses against multiple forms of invasion.

Consider second that Sylvanus, like any good leader, looks beyond her own personal vendettas. Her primary stated goal is, of course, to see the end of the Lich King.

Explain, then, the massive, imperialistic expansions of the Forsaken these past few years if their only goal is to revengeance the Lich King. Sylvanus knows that the Lich King won’t last forever, that someday he will be extinguished, and then… what? What then?

Sylvanus is in a similar position as the scourge in my last wild speculation post.

Nobody likes the undead. Their enemies misunderstand them and will kill them on sight. Their allies are mistrusting, fair weather friends at absolute best. What happens when the proverbial excrement hits the proverbial fan? For the forsaken, it means they’ll be in a hostile world, surrounded by enemies with no friends.

Solution? Exactly the same thing as the Scourge – make yourself appear to be less of a threat than you really are.

Enter the Battle for the Undercity, stage left.

Sylvanus lost her city, “nearly died”, and then was in such a weak position she couldn’t take back what was hers on her own. She had to go to Orgrimmar and ask, nay, beg for help.

Do you see how incredibly weak that makes her look? Especially to the likes of Garrosh.

By allowing the Undercity to fall, Sylvanus simultaneously places more mistrust on her own people and makes them appear to be a significantly weaker friend/foe.

The reason why more mistrust is good for the forsaken is because it forces the horde to keep a much closer eye on them. All the abomination guards are gone from the Undercity, and replaced with orcs.

Obviously a good move on the part of the greater horde. Placing their own troops in the undercity rather than letting them guard themselves means the greater horde can keep much tighter control over the actions of the forsaken.

Unless, of course, that’s exactly what Sylvanus wants them to think they’re doing.

First major advantage, by allowing the horde to think they have greater control over the situation, they naturally become far less suspicious. If strange things were going on, the guards are right there and would have seen it, right?

Right, of course.

The relative threat level of the forsaken is simply lower. With legions of orc troops in the undercity, the greater horde can rest easy that the Undercity is firmly controlled.

Essentially, Sylvanus has proven to the greater horde that the forsaken aren’t a substantial military threat anymore. This is an unimaginably huge advantage.

It’s gone now, but there was a screenshot showing the forsaken invasion of London (or whatever that werewolf place is called). It showed the forsaken fleet and… the horde gunship?

Again, major win for the forsaken. The forsaken get to keep right on expanding their empire with their mighty military, but the rest of the horde is blinded to it. And lending their military to the forsaken to directly assist them to boot.

Classic strategy, really. The greater horde thinks they’re in control, never realizing just how thoroughly they’re being used, the entire time playing directly into the best interests of the forsaken.

GG, Sylvanus, GG.

/tinfoil hat

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Sick Muse

Again with the post title snagged from whatever was playing in winamp.


Happy (belated) Birthday Krizzlybear!

I recently realized that last time I raided frost, my DPS was somewhat lower than I expected because I fucking fail at frost mage so very hard.

See, you know how the Brain Freeze lets you fire an instant cast Frostfire Bolt?




I have no birthday present to offer you, krizzly, just know that when I realized my fail, I facepalmed so hard I created a sonic boom, I thought of you.

Wait… what. No, that came out wrong.



Hoo boy.

A disclaimer saying “this is a joke guys come on what the hell people” that takes multiple paragraphs to say in an effort not to offend the delicate sensibilities of the wow.com audience.

That is exactly why I like being a little blog with a little audience. No disclaimers here, oh no kind sirs and madams! I will call you my bitches, and I will mean it, and you will laugh, and then you will realize it was a Daikatana reference, and then you will cry. WELCOME TO CQQ.

And here I do quote what I would have done, had I been the mage columnist at wow.com and had to handle the wow.com readership:

To everyone who got so indignant after the warlockian Arcane Brilliance was posted, crowing over and over about how April Fools was last week and this is a news site, that you come here for news, not to be tricked, and you will now go elsewhere for your news: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Oh what? What was that? I insulted your sensibilities? Was your tiny delicate world upset by a tiny deviation in your schedule? Are you so fundamentally retarded that you actually consider wow.com a premier news site? (There goes my chance to ever write there, lol.) How many times were you dropped on your head as a child that such blatant sarcasm actually tricked you? How pathetic can you possibly be to think “/unsubscribe” is actually a threat to anyone?


wait what I didn't mean it that way oh god what is this my name isn't even henry WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR MOUTH

On a related note, why do warlocks complain so much about hunters? Warlocks screw hunters over so hard it’s barely even funny. Of course, hunters screw over mages so hard that maybe warlocks are just jealous?

Why don’t we all play nice and go dominate us some paladins, eh? Eh? Fine, fuck you guys too. Never liked you trigger happy gunmongers and fear spamming douchemonkeys anyway.

I tried to be nice, and look what it got me. Scatter trapped deathcoil feared can’t do that while silenced. FFFFFFF.


I did like the movie. It was extremely faithful to the actual, original, non-white-washed-by-society Sherlock Holmes.

I never did understand why Holmes was ever made out to be some hoity toity lawful good uber hero. The dude gets so high he has magic adventures with watson and his magical mayonnaise unicorn when he gets bored. Holmes is the original gritty detective! He’d be right at home in Sin City!

But, as there is always a but.

Downey did not, to me, come across as Holmes. Everyone else was brilliant (especially Judge Law, that is his name right?), but… Downey did not make a good Holmes. I wasn’t watching Holmes and Watson shimmy about solving crime, I was watching Robert Downey Jr and Watson shimmy about solving crime.

I can’t really describe it beyond that. Downey just never convinced me that he was something other than Downey. His fault? Director’s fault? My fault? Don’t know, but hell that was hard to get past.


“Vidja games ain’t bein’ art!”

Yeah, yeah, shut up ya old coot.


I got this on the mage last year, and was thoroughly “meh” towards it. Busted it out a few times in Ulduar, but nowadays if I have a pet out it’s lil KT. Even after all this time, the laugh. The laugh!

Got it on the paladin this year. Now, somehow, this pet is completely different. Completely. It is exactly the same as it was when I did the quest on the mage a year ago, but somehow… somehow the paladin loves the little guy.

I gave him hugs (violent ones, I am a ret paladin you know), flew around on a dragon, pointed and laughed at the humans in Dalaran, mocked walrusmen… me and likkle Kekek had an absolute blast.

And when the quest was over… I dunno, apparently I had a stroke. I was genuinely sad that my adventures with little Kekek as at an end.

Apparently I forgot that he mailed himself to me not ten seconds later. I promptly treated him to a steak dinner.

Then I logged off and played my shaman for a while, and could not for the life of me remember why the hell I cared so much about some stupid non-combat pet.

Until I logged back into the paladin, summoned the thing, and my heart absolutely melted all over again and I found myself gibbering like a fool, running around in Thunder Bluff, likkle Kekek on my back, and we bustled around making cow tipping jokes.

Is… is this what RP is like? I feel like I am going mad.

And yes, I am avoiding battlegrounds completely due to orphan week.

I know, I know, everyone and their orphan are blithering about orphan week (AGAIN), but look. I PvP because it actually takes a reasonable amount of skill to do well at it. We can argue all we want about relative BG skill levels, but suffice to say playing a BG well takes significantly more effort on my part than questing, running dungeons or raiding. Hence my interest.

I have no interest in tearing into battlegrounds and destroying all the dazed and confused people just trying to get an achievement done. I’d go spend some time with a test dummy in Orgrimmar if all I wanted to do was beat on pinatas for a while.

Let’s be honest here. Quite a few of those trying to do this achievement are little more than pinatas. These are people who would otherwise never venture into a battleground. More often than not, they don’t even fight back. They just stand there, waiting for the inevitable end.

It’s worse when they do fight back. My heart is filled with pity. Just… what are you doing. It is absolutely sad to watch. Like watching some poor child whose mother drank herself to liver poisoning during each trimester; watching this child fail at the most basic of tasks; watching them struggle to even turn themselves around.

And I do quote myself, written May 5th, 2009:

What I mind is all these poor sods queueing up for battlegrounds that haven’t the foggiest idea how to PvP, whether it’s on the tactical or strategical level.

A mage sporting naxx-25 gear with some Ulduar stuff sporting a server first kill of Sartharion and a raiding arcane spec is an impressive sight, no doubt.

But on the PvP front? He becomes nothing more than a hunk of meat hurled at the jaws of a hungry dog. Honestly, with only 15k health and zero resilience, I’m watching him only to see how fast he can die.

Read the post in its entirety here. Still relevant today, despite being a year old. Fancy that.

It breaks my heart to watch. Honorable kill my ass, there is nothing honorable in defeating an unarmed cardboard box in a duel.

This year, I refuse to participate.

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So there exists an addon called “Underachiever”. What this addon does is allow you to link fake achievements.

Let’s say I want to do Digimon, the latest boss in Archavon’s vault. I whisper a raid leader, and he says “whisper achiev or no inv”. But I haven’t done the guy yet! What do I do now?

Well, you could always just not get the invite because the raid leader is an idiotic prick. The guy probably backpedals in PvP! But then… what does that gain you? You miss out on a dull, boring loot pinata boss, but then again, you aren’t looking to raid VoA for actual difficult content, are you? No, you are there for the loot pinata, not the loot hungry-man-eating-jaguar-hiding-in-the-jungle-somewhere.

Solution? Grab the Underachiever addon, and you will automaticall win any and every epeen contest without any difficulty. As much as I despise curse.com, here’s a link. Terrible site, but the addon is worth it.

Anyway, this Underachiever thing is a very robust addon. You can link any achievement in your log, and it will show up to anyone who clicks on it as if you had completed it. You can specify the date, even specify some parts of an achievement complete and others not, and even fake achievements for other players if you so wish.

And yes, it comes with a complete list of every single Feat of Strength in the game, so you can link those too. Did you earn the Scarab Lord title? Well of course you did, you High Warlord and Gladiator in every season you. Hell, link the “Server first level 80 warlock!” when you’re playing a level 45 paladin if you want.

(Note: it can’t ordinarily link achievements you haven’t “unlocked”. For example, you can’t link the Tribute to Insanity achievement if you haven’t done the Tribute to Skill first for ToGC. BUT. If you have Overachiever installed as well, you totally can, as that shows you every achievement in the game regardless of what you have actually accomplished. And of course, Underachiever can fake all of those easy.)

You ask, what is the point of such an addon? I tell you: EPEEN.

Amongst the unwashed masses, the size of your epeen is the end all, be all stat. It doesn’t matter that you have 4pt10 and can pull 11k DPS on Putricide. What matters is the size of your dick.

With Underachiever, your dick can be however large you want it to be.

See a couple guys arguing in trade chat? They’re linking the “Boned!” and “I’ve Gone and Made a Mess” achievements and slapping their wowcocks all over trade chat?

Link your Lich King 25man kill achievement! The sheer size of your dick smashing into their poor faces will silence them utterly.

You can’t educate these people. You can’t make them smarter, or deal rationally with them. It is foolish and pointless to even try.

The only language they understand is penis.

So link them your Scarab Lord, your Sunwell clears, your Tribute to Insanity 25man achievements.

“But what if they armory me?”

Haha! Ahahaha! Hahaha! Good one!

Well, the chances of a wowcocking moron even considering attempting even the most rudimentary of research is laughably low, but if they do… well, the armory is a pretty buggy thing, isn’t it? I mean it isn’t even showing my 4.2k rated 3s arena team!

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Three Dimensions

This is largely going to be in response to “The Third Dimension” over at Blessing of Kings.

Consider a puzzle with chopsticks for a second here.

You are given three chopsticks. Make a triangle, one chopstick for each side. Trivial, right?

You are given five chopsticks. Make two triangles, again with one chopstick for each side. Still trivial!

Alright, try this one. You are given six chopsticks, now make four triangles, once again with one chopstick per side.

Uh oh. Anyone run into trouble here?

Go on, I’ll give you some time to try and make four triangles using six chopsticks (or toothpicks or pens or whatever you have).

How many if you got stuck?

How many of you realized this puzzle was also trivial, if you but think in three dimensions?

Making four triangles with six chopsticks is easy. Three resting on the ground, one triangle. The other three then form a tetrahedron. Voila, six chopsticks, four triangles. (more…)

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Wait for it…

Perhaps I’d make a good goblin yet!

This is just too damn funny for words. Do these people even realize how easy it is to farm those things? Not that I’m going to tell them, oh no! 19 gold for about five seconds worth of effort is just so great. I guess I told you guys though. So there’s that.

Shout to ma peeps on Duskwood! Respect y’all! We be piling up da gold in diz hizzouse! What the hell does crunk even mean?

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Ordinarily this would be a time of reflection on the years past, and the decade past. We could talk about the war on terror, about the market crash, about the new culture that the internet has facilitated.

But ultimately, why bother? A year is nothing more than a unit of measurement, a decade is simply ten of those. There’s no real difference between 2009 and 2010, or 2008 or 2007. There isn’t a difference between 8pm and 9pm, or 7pm. By themselves they have no meaning. Instead, we assign meaning to them.

2007 was just a year. But I graduated from high school. I got a job. My best friends moved away to far flung corners of the country. One of them fell in love. One of them got drunk all the time. I started a blog about WoW, one currently enjoyed by thousands a day. I raided, I had fun, I earned phat loots and personally wiped everyone on Solarian. I got drunk for the first time. Those two things are not related, I swear.

2008 was also just a year, but so many things happened. I lost my job. Lich King came out. I moved to expert mode on Rock Band. Getting up at 1pm was considered early. And on and on it went. (more…)

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A Quick Note on Casualism

I suppose everyone’s definition of what consists of a hardcore player and a casual player differs greatly from each other.

Some say “I’m casual” yet they show up to raids on time, repaired, consumables ready to go.

Miss Arioch says the following:

I don’t consider myself hardcore.

I am a casual that takes raiding seriously.

If you have any emotional investment in something, if you take anything about a game seriously, if you care at all about what happens in the game, you don’t get to call yourself casual anymore.

Take Peggle. If you are casual, maybe you’ll boot it up sometimes, shoot the ball around, bask in the glory of the shiny splosions. But as soon as you start thinking about how to get higher scores, as soon as you restart to try and clear the board, as soon as you look at the pegs and say “hmm… how can I best utilize my special power?” you are no longer casual.

A casual is someone who does not take the game seriously. Every single person reading this blog is not a casual, at least by my simplified definition. (more…)

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Conspiracy Theory for Thought

/tinfoil hat on

Imagine you are the King’s Advisor.

You have always been the King’s Advisor, for the past four thousand years. Whoever was in power, whoever was king, or emperor, or khan, or president, you have always been standing there, in the background.

You, and those like you, have been known by many names. The King’s Advisors, the fat cats, the movers and shakers. No one can really prove it, but everyone knows that it’s always been you wielding true power.

How do you do it?

There is but one thing that allows you to hold your position: the peasants.

Peasants are all too eager to sacrifice themselves on the altar of work. They start at a young age, clocking hundreds of hours working for those with a station higher than their own. They work for themselves, for their family, for their wants and needs. They work their entire lives, growing fruit for their lords, then they keel over and die, to be replaced by their children. (more…)

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Scout Report has Updated!


How long has it been? Months? Years?

Whatever, who cares, there’s a new one, hopefully just the start of a long string of new ones.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I maaaay have accidentally wet my pants just now, so I’ll need to go fix that.

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Five Facts About Mages

The most powerful weapon you have in WoW is knowledge. Knowledge of classes, of game mechanics, of enemy mobs, and how they all work together.

In an effort to fight ignorance, I present to you a list of things that all non-mages absolutely must know about us and how we work.

1. If you mark something with a Skull, we will kill it.

While this may not be hard-wired into the mind of every mage, for the vast majority of us veteran DPS players, we lose all control of our actions when we see something with skull.

We don’t have a choice in the matter. It’s like giving a man some explosives. No matter how restrained he normally is, he will find something to explode.

If you mark something with skull, our killing instincts will cause us to immediately swap targets, and we’ll be a full rotation into attacking skull (likely having blown half our cooldowns in the process), before we even realize we’ve done anything.

Whatever you’ve marked with skull will die a very swift and painful death. (more…)

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