I, the master of the arcane arts and QQ of all forms, am now officially attending a post secondary institution, in order to bleed off that extra twenty grand I got kicking around under my bed (I am lying).
I, a young, handsome, humble, cynical, anti-social bastard am entering the adult world wide eyed and filled with disbelief that the real world is so goddamn retarded. Oh, do I have rants, so very many rants. Think of the worst, most idiotic PuG you’ve ever been in. That PuG is the pinnacle of intelligent efficiency compared to the real world. It’s like people immediately lose 40 IQ points the second they walk out their front door.
See, so far, in my wisdom, I have learned one universal truth: absolutely everyone is stupid. Your neighbor is stupid. Your father is stupid. Every friend you have ever had is stupid. You are stupid. I am stupid. There exists not one human who is not stupid.
But I’m not here to inflict yet another jaded rant, I’m here to say “sorry guys, but university is kinda important”.
The quick and dirty: I’m going for a history major, as it’s the only subject area left in academia that I don’t suck at or am bored by.
History? NOT BORING?! History is awesome dudes!
Frederick the Great, mighty leader of Prussia in the 1700s, watched his best friend’s execution when he was 18! Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle are the founders of every academic discipline ever!
See the things you learn?
Anyway, my first day at university essentially convinced me that I was in the right place. I’ve delayed too long, this is going to be a beautiful (if expensive) relationship.
Imagine my university as a living, breathing organism. Now imagine that organism can read my mind.
First day, new student welcome. There’s a free BBQ. There is no force in the universe greater than free food. I can, will, and have levitated for a chance at a free burger.
I eat my first one, and dissatisfied, return for more. I ask the cute girl (wo)manning the barbecue if I can haz seconds. She says: “Well… we’re not supposed to, but… you can go ahead. Just don’t tell anyone.”
Then she says “Would you like two patties?”
My eyes misted, a smile came to my face, a single tear rolled down my right cheek. “You know me so well, maiden of grilled cattle!”
This being the new student welcome, there are lots of little booths, filled with helpful people attempting to hawk their wares. Their wares, in this case, being pamphlets and ads for the various free services on campus.
I was accosted by a small group, handing out flyers to their university aid seminars. Things like how to manage stress, how to properly study for exams, and the like.
The first, the very first conference on the list?
“How to deal with annoying people.”
I was ecstatic!
“How to deal with annoying people?! That’s perfect! Exactly what I need! Definitely going to that one.”
They got the message and left me alone after that.
Hilarious Things Said By Professors
“It took nearly a century for the potato to catch on in Europe. People were suspicious of it, as it grew underground and there was no mention of the potato in the Bible. It also had spots, and was thought to spread leprosy.”
“Robespierre was not the only Jacobin to try to commit suicide instead of being executed. One Jacobin hurled himself down a flight of stairs, succeeding in breaking a leg. Another hurled himself out of a window, only to break his arm. Robespierre himself, of course, shot himself in the face, but only broke his jaw. In the morning, all were guillotined.”
“You are all ignorant undergraduate morons.”
“These air fields were to be constructed and used as a pre-emptive strike against canadian air fields. They were supposed to be kept secret, but their existence was accidentally published on the front page of the New York Times.”
“The French armies lost many battles in rapid succession. This was primarily due to the utter incompetence of the commanding officers.”