On Basic Nukes
Ok, ok, hold up… I’ve got this… this brilliant idea, see? Why don’t we… I mean, this is just a suggestion, but why don’t… well, see, I’ve got this ball of fire. Look at it. It’s all burney.
So what if I… what if I threw it? Like, at the bad guy? Throw it really hard? At his face!
And we could call it… get this, this is awesome… FIREBALL.
Get it? ‘Cause it’s a ball? Of fire?
Oh man, this is the best idea ever!
Our goal is to inflict damage, correct? We wish to inflict significant damage upon our foe, in the eventual hopes of outright ending their futile existence?
If such a scenario is correct, then I believe the simplest course of action is best.
I shall conjure what could be best described as a “hunk” of raw frost energy, and then hurl it.
Name? What does it need a name for? It’s a bolt of raw frost energy!
Fine, fine, call it “frostbolt” for all I care.
I’ve given this a great deal of thought, and I believe the best way to inflict catastrophic damage is to use raw arcane energies in a controlled manner.
I call it Arcane Blast. Simple, yet fully encompassing what the spell does.
By harnessing raw arcane energy, you focus it on your target, blasting them with volatile energies. Being arcane, of course, using this energy will imbue your own body with the same energy, thus increasing the strength of any further uses you have for arcane.
Of course, the more you use Arcane Blast, the more energy you gain, to be used however you deem fit.
Be warned, however, that you cannot build this energy infinitely. You do need to concentrate to keep it stored in a controlled manner. After all, this is raw energy we’re talking about. You could accidentally destroy yourself if you’re not careful.
I mean, not that it’s dangerous or anything.
Nope. Not at all. *cough*
On Secondary Nukes
What? What’s wrong with my balls? Don’t you like my balls? What could possibly be better than a ball of freaking fire?
Oh, wait, I see where you’re going with this… I can’t believe I never thought of this before!
So, how about, instead of just having a ball of fire… we make… a BIGGER ball of fire? Much bigger!
It’ll be like… like… a gigantic boulder! On fire!
And then… then… and then I’ll throw it! At your face!
Another? Why do you need another? There is nothing wrong with the first one. It is already efficient for every imaginable resource.
Fun? You want a second nuke for fun?
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I was under the assumption that we were discussing the art of ending the lives of others, not designing the ideal circus for toddlers.
Do you understand that? We are killing sentient creatures here by inflicting massive amounts of trauma on their mortal coils with the fury of winter itself.
And you want it to be fun? This is not supposed to be fun, it is a job, it is work. You wish to have fun? The previous occasion I delved into the job market led me to believe that there are few job openings for murderous psychopaths.
Ah, brilliant, if I do say so myself. All that excess arcane energy will need to be expended somewhere, therefore a second nuke is all but required!
Indeed, with this amount of raw potential simply existing, I believe that unleashing this energy in a torrent of arcane missiles would be the finest solution. We can use this occasion to marry both arcane power and kinetic force into one, terrifying ability.
Using this energy, we can create a small swarm of missiles, both arcane and physical in nature. In addition to carrying a great deal of arcane power, we use a small part of that to form them into something that carries a great deal of force, thus striking our target much harder than we could have had we used only one source of damage.
As the youth of today put it, “pew pew”.
Though I fail to see what religious furniture has to do with the arcane arts…
So… like, instead of just burning them… you want to just… like have them sit there? All confused and not participating in the battle?
But wouldn’t… like… if they were just ash… ash can’t fight! If I just burned them until they stopped moving, they can’t really fight back anymore! What… but…
Right, well… that’s what… well, if you just want them out of the battle temporarily… to be saved for later or something…
After all, I am no stranger to the temptation to simply burn everything… all at once… but then what do you burn later when you’re bored?
Ok, I got it. What if I… you know… just hit them in the face with a whole lot of fire? Most people I know are kinda confused for a few seconds after falling face first into a fireplace, so falling face first into a wall of fire should buy us… like, I dunno, a minute or something!
Or maybe if I just had really bad breath… some of the elves go reeling after a night of garlic and onion hot dogs… Oh! I could combine the two!
Everyone already feels kinda sick around me when I breathe on them… so if I set them on fire at the same time, it’ll be all “omg my face!” Hahaha!
It would appear that you are still attempting to converse with me, despite my protestations that everything you say is absurd and undeniably wrong. And now you wish to control opponents rather than simply killing them…
Ice is a very diverse subject to work with.
One of it’s most important qualities is that it is cold. The majority of sentient beings find it challenging to operate at peak condition when they’re body temperature suddenly drops thirty degrees, or their feet spontaneously become frozen to the ground.
Ah, a challenge! Instead of simply engaging in combat, you want to remove them, however temporarily, from the tactical calculation?
The solution is simple, if you but think!
What is it that makes an enemy so dangerous on a battlefield? It is their physique, they’re ability to actually participate in combat! If they were unable to actively, or even passively, contribute to a fight, then they cease to be dangerous.
Therefore, the simplest idea is to render them unable to engage in combat at all!
I propose that we rearrange their entire body structure, reforming their circulatory, nervous, digestive and other biological systems, then rearrange their entire cellular structure, DNA and chromosomes to transform them into a being that is small and cuddly.
Say… a penguin, or a sheep, or some other variation of farm animal.
Complicated? Why, no, not even in the slightest. It takes, 1, maybe one and a half seconds tops, to completely rearrange a living creatures entire body structure.
I… uhh… not really sure what you want from me… First you’re all “burn stuff” than “burn more stuff”, and now you’re saying “don’t burn stuff”?
This isn’t… I mean… I… confused! Do you want me to burn things or not? I can’t take this!
Alright, alright, I’m calm, I’m… calm. I just… I don’t see the point of not setting things on fire when you can set things on fire.
Actually… I think I’ve got an idea.
What if we… what if we… hit them with fire? Really hard? In the face?
Must we discuss this again?
Frost is cold. Living things do not operate well in the cold. Therefore they will move slower.
This isn’t complicated, you unevolved dimwit!
Ohoho, merely wish to slow their advance now, eh? Very well, a challenge for the arcane mastermind!
When we thing of slowing something, what does everyone wish to slow more than anything else? What is it that all sentient beings desire above all else to halt?
No, Dromides, bowel movements are not the concern of this hall of learning.
I am speaking, of course, of time. It is the unrelenting march of time that we mortals fear above all else. We fear the ravages of time, we fear our own inevitable mortality. We grasp each and every passing moment, make every effort to make the best of what time we have.
As you know, powerful arcanists have the ability to manipulate the passage of time, albeit at a very rudimentary level compared to what the mighty Bronze dragons are capable of.
Hush, you. Prepositions are not our concern; this is the art of arcane, not the art of correct grammar. We are concerned with spelling here.
Ha. Ha. Oh yes. There is always time for an amusing pun. Ah ha. Ha. Ha.
If we wish to simply slow an enemy, the easiest way to do that would be to simply slow the passage of time for them. We can localize the focal point of a continuum manipulation easily to a specific, sentient being, thus causing the passage of time for the person at this fulcrum to pass slower than it normally does.
Needless to say, the continuum is unaffected for any outside of this focal point, and thus time continues as normal for the rest of us.
To us, the person thus afflicted will be moving slower. Though, to them, the rest of us will simply appear to be moving with abnormal haste.
On Running Away
I could set my feet on fire! People run fast when they’re on fire!
OH GOD IT BURNS WHY AGH AGH AAAAAH! OH WHY OH WHY DID I DO THAT!
Hmm… kinda tickles, actually. Hee hee, burning!
What do you take me for, some cowardly cleric or pusillanimous priest?!
I do NOT flee. If ever a situation tumbles into such a state that would require me to escape the premises, then I have failed utterly and deserve my death.
If absolutely necessary, I could simply encase myself in ice, and await battlefield conditions to become more tactically favorable.
Ah, the ancient art of running away. As always, the arcane arts offer a simplistic solution.
While most, I’m sure, would tell you that the fastest way to run away is to run faster. Nay, I say!
If one wishes to get from point A to point B swiftly, one must cut the travel time as low as possible.
I say, why have travel time at all? What is the use of running from place to place if one can simply teleport from place to place?
All we really need is to map the leylines of the nearby area. From there, we can ascertain the connections between differing leylines, thus finding areas of arcane focus advantageous to our retreat.
Failing that, by simply wrapping the fabric of space itself around our body, we can…
Hey, where are you going?
I haven’t even taught you E. Soeteric’s Modern Theory of Relativistic Time Dilation!