The following are some oddball things about me. The real me, the real life me. By now, I’ve rather solidly established that I’m pretty damn crazy, and if you listen to the Twisted Nether Blogcast, you can even listen to me be strange! It’s win win!
Or lose lose, depending on your viewpoint.
Anyway, here’s a glimpse into my inner workings.
I really, really hate winter. It’s a combination of a trust issue and emotional scarring from when I was a youngster.
As a young lad, it was my assumption that piles of snow, whether created artificially or naturally, were created for the sole purpose of being walked into. Many winters as a child were spent stomping through snow drifts.
Sometimes I imagined myself as some sort of gigantic lizard like monster, destroying various buildings while “The Army Guys” tried in vain to stop me.
Believe it or not, I hadn’t even heard of Godzilla yet.
Then one day, while walking home from school, I encountered some snow drifts next to the sidewalk. Smashing commenced, knocking giant chunks of snow onto the sidewalk.
The crotchety old man who had just spent about the last half hour getting all that snow off of his sidewalk was reasonably pissed. He was British, I think; I can’t remember his accent but he used words like “bastard” and “bloody” and “wanker” quite a bit while threatening me with a large metal contraption I later learned was a shovel.
That pretty much killed my snow drift antics right then and there, and marked the beginning of my descent into a person who thoroughly despises nearly everyone he meets.
The trust issue is a little more silly. Winter brings two things. Snow and Ice. Snow, inevitably, melts, then freezes again, becoming ice.
Thus, the outside world becomes nothing but a giant ice patch, just waiting for me to step on it. It lies in wait, and no matter how cautious I am, I always, always slip and hurt myself in some fashion.
This isn’t even limited to winter anymore. I’ve been badly bruised on supermarket floors, sprained an ankle on a piece of lint, and even suffered a dislocated elbow when I slipped on a small stick.
Frankly, I can’t trust the ground I walk on. I just can’t. Thus, I never walk anywhere quickly, and am loathe to move at any pace faster than “amble”.
Jogging? NO thanks. Sprint? Absolutely not. Why? Because SCREW YOU that’s why.
Winter sucks. I say we all drive cars everywhere, and burn as much fossil fuels as possible. Bring on Global Warming, let’s get this whole damn winter thing done with.
Compounding this is my total hatred of hot weather. Anything hotter than about five degrees above room temperature is unbearable.
The net result of all this is that I prefer to stay inside at all times. Never go outside during winter, never go outside during summer, and spring is full of stinging insects and the disgusting stench of life.
Fall is my favorite season. Everything is either dead, dying, or in preparing for hibernation.
It’s so… quiet. Peaceful. Nothing is happening. Nothing dramatic is occuring.
There’s just… silence. It’s so beautiful.
I’m one of those people who is perfectly content to go weeks without having a conversation with anyone. I’m one of those people who, if I accidentally unplugged my phone, would not only not notice for weeks or even months, but won’t even care once I find out.
In customer service, “building rapport with the customer” is this huge thing. Smile, say happy things, ask how their day is going, and so on.
I absolutely hate that.
Let’s say I walk into a convenience store. I’m there to buy a Dr. Pepper, maybe the newest issue of PC Gamer. In my ideal world, the conversation would go like this:
*beeping noise of cashier entering numbers or scanning something*
*sound of register opening*
*sound of me walking away*
NOTHING NEEDS TO BE SAID. NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
The following phrases I’ll accept:
“Is that everything?”
“That will be $XX”
“Do you want the penny/pennies?”
Anything more than that is a waste of my time and your energy.
My favorite type of cashiers are the ones talking to someone else on a phone. This guarantees they won’t say a word to me, and I don’t need to say anything to them. A lot of people find a cashier on, say, a cell phone to be rude.
Are they your friend? Do you need to catch up on what happened last weekend?
Or are you just there to fucking BUY something?!
WHERE does this need to have a conversation with a stranger come from? What possible reason could you have to actually engage in something utterly pointless as chit chat?
You don’t KNOW this person, they don’t know you, what possible grounds is there for conversation?
Shut yer trap, grab your crap, and MOVE. ON.
Here’s another example. I help my dad out with his job, basically the heavy lifting part. He’s old, he really shouldn’t be moving heavy objects. So I help out at the warehouse where he picks up his product (he’s the sandwich and cookie delivery guy).
We always go later in the evening. The warehouse isn’t that large, so he goes later because more doors will be open, less people will be around, so it’s easier to move product around.
I like to go later for the second reason. Less people means less chances of accidentally finding myself trapped in a stupid conversation.
Take the following scenario.
Someone says “hi” to me.
Well, shit. Now what do I do? The polite thing is to say “hi”, or hello or something. So I do. “Hi.”
“How are ya?”
Oh, damn it all to hell. Now I’m in a bind.
All I want, right now, is for the other person to cease existing. I didn’t ask for this, I never wanted this, I have no interest in anything this other guy has to say.
Pertinent information, such as “the building is on fire” or “I have a gun and am going to shoot you if you don’t give me a cookie” are all worthwhile things to say.
Anything else simply wastes my time, energy and focus.
Now that I’ve been ensnared into a retarded conversation, I have to expend precious time and energy listening to what the other person says, and then come up with a reasonable response to it. This is time and energy I could be using for something useful, like thinking about how awesome bacon is.
My strategy, up until recently, was to keep all my responses to a single word, a single syllable if possible. This guarantees the conversation will flow very quickly, and usually sends a very strong hint to the other person that I wish for them to be silent and leave.
Now I’m all riled up. Heh.
Part two later today!