Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Some say season’s greetings (whatever the hell that means), some say Happy Hanu… Hanook… it sounds like “Hah! New car!” said with an accent.
But you know what?
‘Round here, it’s Christmas. And I am going to wish you a Merry Christmas. You can take your season’s greeting and shove it.
Give your mom a call (assuming you don’t live at home and she isn’t… well, you know, dead). She’ll cry if she doesn’t hear from you. If you have a webcam, even better! Just make sure you remember to put on pants.
I know, I know, it’s hard to remember. Do it for mom. She’s seen you without pants too many times already.
If you call collect, I know a guy named “Brick” who’s quite skilled with a machete. He needs to have a word with you.
One of the oddest things about my life is the number of people who think that I like them. The amount of people who mistake me for their friend is astounding.
“Hey, you should come over some time this holiday. We can have a drink together!”
Yes, yes, that’s right on top of my list of things to not do this Christmas.
Ok, look. I can see how you got the impression I liked you. I’m an introverted, cynical person, but I tend to be nice to pretty much everyone. This is merely pragmatic.
If you find yourself clinging desperately to a cliff, in desperate need of someone saving you, what type of person would you like to come along?
Someone you were nice to, thus giving the impression of friendship? Or someone who despised you because you were rude to them?
Part of my philosophy of “burn no bridges”.
Even if I utterly hate you and everything you do, even if I have nothing but scorn for your entire existence, I will still attempt to be on good terms with you.
Still. No, I do not want to hang out with you. No, I do not want to speak to you, or hear you speak. Your presence frustrates and angers me.
Please, go away.
It’s so much better on the internet. I genuinely like the lot of you. Yes, there are plenty of people out here I strongly dislike, or outright loathe, but most of you are awesome.
This may be because I simply don’t have to deal with your negatives, only your positives. This means I can think very highly of all of you, as there isn’t any evidence that I should do otherwise.
That, and the official WoW forums provide literally thousands of people for me to hate explicitly. By the time I get back here, most of my hatred has already been spent.
How to tell if I consider you a friend:
If I have ever mocked you, made fun of you, or otherwise insulted you in jest. I tend not to joke like this with people I loathe (see “burn no bridges”). I don’t take the time to know them, thus I have no idea if they’d be insulted by what I say, so I play it safe to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings.
If I have ever told a “naughty”, sexist, racist, or otherwise highly questionable joke to you. Again, with people I don’t know (don’t like), I play it safe to avoid outrage.
If you don’t meet either of those criteria… well, maybe I just haven’t had enough exposure to you yet.
Meeting in person is a very quick way to assess a person (with seconds), just voice takes longer (minutes), and text takes much longer (usually an hour or even more).
To all the people I hate: die in a fire.
To all the people I am fond of: bring marshmallows.
This all could be the drugs talking. I also haven’t slept in 39 hours.