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Posts Tagged ‘Achievements’

Sick Muse

Again with the post title snagged from whatever was playing in winamp.

ON BIRTHDAY WISHES

Happy (belated) Birthday Krizzlybear!

I recently realized that last time I raided frost, my DPS was somewhat lower than I expected because I fucking fail at frost mage so very hard.

See, you know how the Brain Freeze lets you fire an instant cast Frostfire Bolt?

Yeah.

Uh.

Woops.

I have no birthday present to offer you, krizzly, just know that when I realized my fail, I facepalmed so hard I created a sonic boom, I thought of you.

Wait… what. No, that came out wrong.

Uhhh….

ON LOBOTOMIZED BLOGGERS

Hoo boy.

A disclaimer saying “this is a joke guys come on what the hell people” that takes multiple paragraphs to say in an effort not to offend the delicate sensibilities of the wow.com audience.

That is exactly why I like being a little blog with a little audience. No disclaimers here, oh no kind sirs and madams! I will call you my bitches, and I will mean it, and you will laugh, and then you will realize it was a Daikatana reference, and then you will cry. WELCOME TO CQQ.

And here I do quote what I would have done, had I been the mage columnist at wow.com and had to handle the wow.com readership:

To everyone who got so indignant after the warlockian Arcane Brilliance was posted, crowing over and over about how April Fools was last week and this is a news site, that you come here for news, not to be tricked, and you will now go elsewhere for your news: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Oh what? What was that? I insulted your sensibilities? Was your tiny delicate world upset by a tiny deviation in your schedule? Are you so fundamentally retarded that you actually consider wow.com a premier news site? (There goes my chance to ever write there, lol.) How many times were you dropped on your head as a child that such blatant sarcasm actually tricked you? How pathetic can you possibly be to think “/unsubscribe” is actually a threat to anyone?

OH NOES I HURT YOUR FEELINGS MY BAD HERE’S A LOLLIPOP.

wait what I didn't mean it that way oh god what is this my name isn't even henry WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR MOUTH

On a related note, why do warlocks complain so much about hunters? Warlocks screw hunters over so hard it’s barely even funny. Of course, hunters screw over mages so hard that maybe warlocks are just jealous?

Why don’t we all play nice and go dominate us some paladins, eh? Eh? Fine, fuck you guys too. Never liked you trigger happy gunmongers and fear spamming douchemonkeys anyway.

I tried to be nice, and look what it got me. Scatter trapped deathcoil feared can’t do that while silenced. FFFFFFF.

ON THAT ROBERT DOWNEY JR MOVIE WHERE EVERYONE PRETENDS HE’S SHERLOCK HOLMES FOR SOME REASON

I did like the movie. It was extremely faithful to the actual, original, non-white-washed-by-society Sherlock Holmes.

I never did understand why Holmes was ever made out to be some hoity toity lawful good uber hero. The dude gets so high he has magic adventures with watson and his magical mayonnaise unicorn when he gets bored. Holmes is the original gritty detective! He’d be right at home in Sin City!

But, as there is always a but.

Downey did not, to me, come across as Holmes. Everyone else was brilliant (especially Judge Law, that is his name right?), but… Downey did not make a good Holmes. I wasn’t watching Holmes and Watson shimmy about solving crime, I was watching Robert Downey Jr and Watson shimmy about solving crime.

I can’t really describe it beyond that. Downey just never convinced me that he was something other than Downey. His fault? Director’s fault? My fault? Don’t know, but hell that was hard to get past.

ON ROGER EBERT

“Vidja games ain’t bein’ art!”

Yeah, yeah, shut up ya old coot.

ON WOLVAR ORPHAN

I got this on the mage last year, and was thoroughly “meh” towards it. Busted it out a few times in Ulduar, but nowadays if I have a pet out it’s lil KT. Even after all this time, the laugh. The laugh!

Got it on the paladin this year. Now, somehow, this pet is completely different. Completely. It is exactly the same as it was when I did the quest on the mage a year ago, but somehow… somehow the paladin loves the little guy.

I gave him hugs (violent ones, I am a ret paladin you know), flew around on a dragon, pointed and laughed at the humans in Dalaran, mocked walrusmen… me and likkle Kekek had an absolute blast.

And when the quest was over… I dunno, apparently I had a stroke. I was genuinely sad that my adventures with little Kekek as at an end.

Apparently I forgot that he mailed himself to me not ten seconds later. I promptly treated him to a steak dinner.

Then I logged off and played my shaman for a while, and could not for the life of me remember why the hell I cared so much about some stupid non-combat pet.

Until I logged back into the paladin, summoned the thing, and my heart absolutely melted all over again and I found myself gibbering like a fool, running around in Thunder Bluff, likkle Kekek on my back, and we bustled around making cow tipping jokes.

Is… is this what RP is like? I feel like I am going mad.

And yes, I am avoiding battlegrounds completely due to orphan week.

I know, I know, everyone and their orphan are blithering about orphan week (AGAIN), but look. I PvP because it actually takes a reasonable amount of skill to do well at it. We can argue all we want about relative BG skill levels, but suffice to say playing a BG well takes significantly more effort on my part than questing, running dungeons or raiding. Hence my interest.

I have no interest in tearing into battlegrounds and destroying all the dazed and confused people just trying to get an achievement done. I’d go spend some time with a test dummy in Orgrimmar if all I wanted to do was beat on pinatas for a while.

Let’s be honest here. Quite a few of those trying to do this achievement are little more than pinatas. These are people who would otherwise never venture into a battleground. More often than not, they don’t even fight back. They just stand there, waiting for the inevitable end.

It’s worse when they do fight back. My heart is filled with pity. Just… what are you doing. It is absolutely sad to watch. Like watching some poor child whose mother drank herself to liver poisoning during each trimester; watching this child fail at the most basic of tasks; watching them struggle to even turn themselves around.

And I do quote myself, written May 5th, 2009:

What I mind is all these poor sods queueing up for battlegrounds that haven’t the foggiest idea how to PvP, whether it’s on the tactical or strategical level.

A mage sporting naxx-25 gear with some Ulduar stuff sporting a server first kill of Sartharion and a raiding arcane spec is an impressive sight, no doubt.

But on the PvP front? He becomes nothing more than a hunk of meat hurled at the jaws of a hungry dog. Honestly, with only 15k health and zero resilience, I’m watching him only to see how fast he can die.

Read the post in its entirety here. Still relevant today, despite being a year old. Fancy that.

It breaks my heart to watch. Honorable kill my ass, there is nothing honorable in defeating an unarmed cardboard box in a duel.

This year, I refuse to participate.

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So there exists an addon called “Underachiever”. What this addon does is allow you to link fake achievements.

Let’s say I want to do Digimon, the latest boss in Archavon’s vault. I whisper a raid leader, and he says “whisper achiev or no inv”. But I haven’t done the guy yet! What do I do now?

Well, you could always just not get the invite because the raid leader is an idiotic prick. The guy probably backpedals in PvP! But then… what does that gain you? You miss out on a dull, boring loot pinata boss, but then again, you aren’t looking to raid VoA for actual difficult content, are you? No, you are there for the loot pinata, not the loot hungry-man-eating-jaguar-hiding-in-the-jungle-somewhere.

Solution? Grab the Underachiever addon, and you will automaticall win any and every epeen contest without any difficulty. As much as I despise curse.com, here’s a link. Terrible site, but the addon is worth it.

Anyway, this Underachiever thing is a very robust addon. You can link any achievement in your log, and it will show up to anyone who clicks on it as if you had completed it. You can specify the date, even specify some parts of an achievement complete and others not, and even fake achievements for other players if you so wish.

And yes, it comes with a complete list of every single Feat of Strength in the game, so you can link those too. Did you earn the Scarab Lord title? Well of course you did, you High Warlord and Gladiator in every season you. Hell, link the “Server first level 80 warlock!” when you’re playing a level 45 paladin if you want.

(Note: it can’t ordinarily link achievements you haven’t “unlocked”. For example, you can’t link the Tribute to Insanity achievement if you haven’t done the Tribute to Skill first for ToGC. BUT. If you have Overachiever installed as well, you totally can, as that shows you every achievement in the game regardless of what you have actually accomplished. And of course, Underachiever can fake all of those easy.)

You ask, what is the point of such an addon? I tell you: EPEEN.

Amongst the unwashed masses, the size of your epeen is the end all, be all stat. It doesn’t matter that you have 4pt10 and can pull 11k DPS on Putricide. What matters is the size of your dick.

With Underachiever, your dick can be however large you want it to be.

See a couple guys arguing in trade chat? They’re linking the “Boned!” and “I’ve Gone and Made a Mess” achievements and slapping their wowcocks all over trade chat?

Link your Lich King 25man kill achievement! The sheer size of your dick smashing into their poor faces will silence them utterly.

You can’t educate these people. You can’t make them smarter, or deal rationally with them. It is foolish and pointless to even try.

The only language they understand is penis.

So link them your Scarab Lord, your Sunwell clears, your Tribute to Insanity 25man achievements.

“But what if they armory me?”

Haha! Ahahaha! Hahaha! Good one!

Well, the chances of a wowcocking moron even considering attempting even the most rudimentary of research is laughably low, but if they do… well, the armory is a pretty buggy thing, isn’t it? I mean it isn’t even showing my 4.2k rated 3s arena team!

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Onyxia has now been solod by every class in the game, except rogues. Whats up, rogues? Come on!

Faxmonkey is only the most famousest mage in the history of WoW. Don’t know who he is? Well, it’s time you learn.

And lo, for Faxmonkey did wake up, and loggeth into his account. Whereupon, being restless, spoke thusly:

“Today… today, I shall kill a dragon.”

Thus spake Faxmonkey, and thus it was done.

You can get the video of his kill here, at Warcraft Movies. The music is very strange. You have been warned.

His talent spec looked like this.

His strategy revolved around how Incanter’s Absorption interacts with Ice Barrier and… you know what? I’ll let him tell you… (more…)

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Musings on Achievements

To me, achievements are a way to mark accomplishments for things that are off the beaten track; things that players would normally receive no recognition for.

Traditionally, the only time players ever received recognition for their in-game exploits was via gear and special titles. These were generally reserved for top end raiders and PvP guys.

The achievement system puts in a place that allows players to be recognized for what they do, whether that is raid old school bosses, do a bajillion quests, explore everything, or die repeatedly to Hogger for hours.

In previous years, I never really cared for the holiday stuff. I mean, it was there, and I would usually do some of the stuff to break from the tedium, but I never really paid any attention to them.

With these achievements, now I actually have a reason to do them.

It’s something to do to break up the standard “raid, instance, farm, PvP” cycle, and do something offbeat and strange. (more…)

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Achievement Unlocked!

spam*Fwooosh* *Bwoo!* Another blogger accomplishment.

I’m sure everyone is aware of all the blogger achievements being thrown around the blogosphere, like here and… well, ok, that’s all I can find. :(

There’s got to be more bloggers out there with ideas for this, and somebody out there has to have the photo shopping skills to create a blank achievement template that we all can fill in with our ideas.

NEEDS MOAR ACHIEVEMENTS.

I am not an unreasonable person. I just think it’d be awesome of you went to a blogs about page and saw a list of achievements that blog has… achieved.

This could be so much fun, you guys!

Also: if anyone has links to other bloggers who have covered this, provide me a link! I am inordinately obsessed with this idea.

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