A lot of it just seems right.

And it clicks very well.

Good work.

In here, the hair care line was intended to emulate Bloodvalor’s actual train of thought, which was really a tangent on his previous tangent.
He doesn’t think it’s funny at all!

Interesting that you say “shoehorning” humor in, as over the course of actually writing the thing I’m usually removing things like the hair care line.
It’s also somewhat difficult to spot my own humor in writing, as it just comes out without intending for it to be a joke, or I’ve reread it so many times I’ve flat out forgotten there was even a joke in there.

One thing I do notice about your work, and I say this having only read this and the short piece you did about the two lovers, one of whom becomes scourge, is that you tend to shoehorn in slightly more humor than you perhaps should.

For example here, I think the line about Krukk smelling Bloodvalor’s hair was hilarious – I actually laughed out loud at that. However, I would personally have left out the next part about hair care. Perhaps it’s a matter of opinion, but it seemed a little excessively comic compared to the tone of the rest of the story.

That being said, I did find your characters very compelling, and I especially like the interplay between Krukk and Arkenheart. Also, the paragraph where you mention that Horde warriors don’t react with the same fear and respect to Bloodvalor as Elves do – I very much liked that part.

Good work overall! Keep em coming.

_Trexpa_

The story had a good tempo, and revealed pertinent details without slowing down or getting sidetracked. It was serious enough without being humorless (“more than just bananas” and what Torumin quoted were funny especially). I’m also digging the Sin City feel, and the culture/counterculture feel as well.

I have to say, awesome work, and I greatly look forward both to the next installment, and when it’s all put together. The previous installment is very well done, in my opinion, though if you do have to change it, do what you have to do.