I hate so very many things.
Illogical hatred, the kind of hatred that simply consumes your entire mind in an instant inferno of indescribable rage. A rage that, if it was in a game and possessed a tooltip, would say “ATYAGI*)(&!B %GBH!@HB DAGUDY!!!JDH KAHF@NF”. A rage so total and complete the only thing that exists is the flaming black hate, the sort of rage where you wake up several minutes later, standing over the broken body of someone you don’t recognize and no memory of the past several minutes, fists soaked in blood.
The worst part is that you usually have no idea what will trigger one of these horrific slaughter fests. Something or someone comes along, pushes a button you didn’t even know you have, and then several hours later you’re trying to explain to the police why you have a necklace threaded with human teeth.
These are not logical hatreds. For example, I hate it when mosquitoes fly into my ear, or even close to my ear. I have destroyed walls when mosquitoes do this. But this is a logical hatred. If you think it isn’t, then you have simply never experienced a mosquito flying around near your ear.
This is a long list of things I hate. Profanity is to be expected from here on out, because all of these topics make me try to type with fists instead of fingers.
(I mean extremely long. I mean in excess of two thousand words long. If you like my rants, I will never be able to top this one. This one’s for you Lazreth. Winky Emoticon.)
Babies and Children
Specifically a certian behaviour. Babies and children want attention, and will go to great lengths to get it. By now, I am sure all of you are familiar with the practice tiny humans have of crying, throwing tantrums, pooping themselves or vomiting for no other reason than to garner attention. See this video for what I mean, and for the love of god turn your speakers way the hell down before you start it.
Every time I see a baby or child doing that, I am fully prepared to rip that tiny human in half and gorge myself on their rent organs. I have a working theory that every major conflict in the entirety of history was caused (indirectly) by these attention whoring sons of bitches. Basically the theory is this: guys hate babies. So we invented war so we could all go off and do something else important and not raise babies. This had the bonus effect of getting a lot of guys killed. Death is definitely preferable over raising stupid ass babies, so technically, everyone wins with war. Except women. This is also why we have strived for so very long to keep women out of the armed forces.
The Phrase “Words Cannot Express”
YES. YES THEY CAN. WORDS CAN EXPRESS. IN FACT, THAT IS THE PRECISE FUCKING THING WORDS DO.
I tremble with rage when I hear those three words spoken. You know what words do? They communicate things. Ideas, opinions, abstract concepts. They describe things, objects, feelings, intangibles.
Your grandmother died? “Words cannot express…” YES THEY FUCKING CAN. A crushing despair, as if a heavy anchor was rested on your chest. A strange, ethereal pressure weighs down on your diaphragm. The world seems dark, uncaring. Voices, faces you think you’re supposed to recognize try to offer you comfort, but there is none. Your precious oma lies dead in a carved chunk of wood, waiting to be lowered into a black pit of despair to spend eternity between unfeeling walls of concrete.
DO YOU SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WORDS JUST EXPRESSED SOME SHIT.
When you say “words cannot express”, you are lying. The words are perfectly capable of expressing any concept you are able to form. It is you who cannot express due to your own stupidity, laziness, or the aforementioned crushing despair of grandma dying causing your cerebral cortex to lock itself in its room and binge on ice cream.
People Who Say “Nothing!” When Asked “What’s Wrong?” When Obviously Something Is Extremely Wrong
This goes a little further than just “what’swrongNOTHING!”, it extends to all the absolutely shittastic pointless behaviour people do to… I dunno, there is absolutely no positive outcome to acting like a passive aggressive douche.
I know you know exactly what I mean, and it is a stereotypical female thing to do. It is practically a cliche in movies, where a couple starts to fight and the guy says “What’s wrong?” and the girl says “NOTHING!” when obviously something is very wrong and the guy’s all frustrated because he doesn’t have a fucking clue so he leaves and she sits in the corner fuming for days bitching to her friends that her guy is a huge insensitive prick and he’s spending hours thinking about this and still has no idea but he can’t just ask her because she will never fucking answer him for absolutely no fucking reason.
You can’t find the right words to express your anger? THEN GET A DICTIONARY OR A THESAURUS AND SIT YOUR BITCH ASS DOWN.
And before you ask, yes, ALL if you women have done/currently do/will do this. You all do. But this isn’t just about you either.
Guys. You’re hurt. You’re in pain, physical or emotional. Someone asks you what’s wrong, you say “nothing”. Alright you cock waving bastard, drop the tough guy act. It doesn’t fool anyone. Trying to suffer on your own and burden nobody else doesn’t work at all and makes you look like an insensitive fucktard to boot.
If you’re moping into a beer and a friend asks you “hey, what’s wrong?” and you say “nothing, I’m fine”, your friend is NOT thinking “wow look at the tough guy, he’s so strong dealing with his problems”, they’re thinking “wow look at the frustrating prick who thinks he’s being all macho making himself miserable and everyone else miserable and frustrated to boot.” Not only did you fail to not burden them, you added plenty more burden because now they have the extra worry of not knowing what’s wrong because you won’t fucking tell them.
People Who Let Things Go Wrong Because They Refused To Stand Up For Themselves
Christ, I hate this so much.
Heard of the site “FML”? It means “fuck my life”, and it is a safe haven for people to complain about how shitty their lives are. Every now and then, you’ll run into a story about how someone’s life got seriously messed up, and the only reason it did was because they were too shy and meek to just stand up and say “now wait just one fucking minute”.
I’m not talking about stuff like “Today, I found out my boyfriend thinks I’m too high maintenance because I have a chronic illness which requires frequent hospitalization.” That is not what I’m talking about here (though I do hate incompetent cock garglers like the mentioned boyfriend).
I’m talking about stuff like “My teacher gave me five hours of detention because I missed class to attend my mother’s funeral.” Stuff like that comes up surprisingly often, and frankly situations like that never, ever have to occur. If they do, it is not the world hating you or jerks screwing you over. It is a case of jerks trying to screw you over, and you just bent over and took it for any number of reasons a psychiatrist would be happy to tell you.
Take this one: Today, I bitched out my boyfriend for logging into my facebook account and deleting EVERY male (even family) off my friends list. He accused me of wanting to cheat on him and has forced me to say “sorry.”
Alright, legitimate complaint. Your boyfriend likes to gargle cock, but that’s fine, cause now you’ve told him to fuck off and broken up with… wait what? You APOLOGIZED?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.
And before you ask, yes, the passive apologetic bitch that took everyone’s shit used to be me. Keywords used to. People shovel their shit on you all day long, and make you out to be the bad guy when you refuse to take it with a smile. Fuck ‘em all.
“Today, I got fired from my job as a postman, which I started yesterday. They fired me because I failed to deliver a bunch of papers to a road that no longer exists.” Sorry mister fired mailman, that is your fault and your fault alone.
People Like Dana Walsh From 24
Yes, I watch 24.
She is, essentially, a prison bitch to anyone willing to apply the smallest amount of intimidation. Most recently a “parole officer” constructed entirely of douche forced himself into her life by intimidating her and threatening to go to her supervisor if she didn’t help him when she was part of a team handling a crisis involving national security.
He says something like “hey you can spare me a few minutes, right?” and she says “no can do” and he says “fine, I’ll talk to your supervisor” and then she caves.
WHY DOES SHE FUCKING CAVE?
I get that it is, technically speaking, fiction. But if you honestly think the majority of the population does NOT cave immediately like that, you are sadly mistaken.
How hard is it to say “Go right ahead, waste his fucking time you sad little man.”
Company Policy “Just Give The Robbers Whatever They Want”
Guy walks into a bank, passes the teller a note that says “I have a weapon, gimme all your money”. Then the teller complies.
Banks, conveniences stores, you name it, if a place has money, company policy is to cave in immediately to any thief and give them whatever they like.
I work part time at a convenience store. A little self run place that nonetheless pulls down good profit. A five minute walk away sits another convenience store, part of a chain. This second convenience store gets robbed about once a month. Somebody walks in, passes a note or pulls a knife and says “gimme the money from the till”, and of course the cashier does. The police usually never catch the petty thief.
The place I work at? Several attempted robberies.
See, most places have a panic button for you to push. The place I work at? We duct taped over it. You wanna know what you’re protection is? Well, behind the counter, we have several hammers, a baseball bat, and a sharpened crowbar. Yes, you read that correctly, a sharpened crowbar.
You say, “that isn’t safe at all!” I say “true, but when confronted by a teenager armed with a steak knife, why the fuck would I give him anything when I’m twice his size and armed with a crowbar?”
I’m actually pretty good with the crowbar. Just saying.
Bloggers Who Say “I’m Not Blogging Because I Have A Real Life” Ad Nauseum
A post or two saying “hey my mom died” is fine. But if you keep hammering home the same damn thing over and over again, sorry, you have crossed into pretentious dick territory.
“Hey look at me I’m in university and I have a job and I have important term papers and shit to do, so fuck all you blog readers I’m way better than you and I need to post that I’m doing stuff and that’s why I don’t post and shove it down your throats over and over again because FUCK YOU.”
Look. Post once about your other commitments. Very, very few actually care, and besides, why the fuck would you care if they cared?
It’s like if someone asked you to do anything and you always replied with “I can’t make it because I’m having sex with like nine people that night.”
ALRIGHT. WE GET IT. Stop fucking rubbing our faces in it.
People Who Ask You Stuff About Your Life When They Have Absolutely No Right To Know And Get Upset When You Tell Them To Fuck Off
Riding the bus home, some jackass is all “hey you work out [there]? live out [there]?”
“No, I go out [there] and stand around for forty five minutes because according to my religion doing pointless shit and answering stupid questions is how to guarantee myself a spot on the magic spaceship when the rapture comes.”
And then he gets all INSULTED. No, fuck you, sir, fuck you. I am not your friend, I am not your acquaintance, I am under no obligation to converse with you at all, nor do I want to, and you have absolutely no right to know anything about me.
People Who Invite You Along For Stuff, You Politely Decline, And They Ask Why And Try To Talk You Into Going And Get Upset When You Tell Them To Fuck Off
Hey wanna go for coffee with us?
No, thanks for asking.
What? Why not? It’ll be fun!
Because I accidentally sat down on a battery and it went up my ass and it’s electrocuting me and if I stand up I will shit everywhere.
Subway Sandwich Artists Who Don’t Tessellate The Cheese
How fucking hard is it to recall fourth grade geometry?
But waaaah it takes more time to do it that way. Ahh, so you are lazy in addition to being an abject failure. Good to know.
No, it’s out of concern for the other guys lined up who know have to wait four additional seconds before I can get to them! Hah, yes, your job is in the food preparation and service industry serving assholes like me all day long and you have no less than four big sharp knives within arms reach and your only concern is for the convenience of your customers.