It be thanksgiving up here in Canadia, so I’m spending some quality watching TV with the family. I didn’t even play WoW yesterday.
In lieu of an actual post featuring actual things, here’s my dad with a couple stories.
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I knew this guy when I was a youngster, Gary. His whole family were christians, real bible thumper types. Every Hallowe’en, Gary’s house was our first stop.
His mom would always cook up hot dogs, a lot of hot dogs. My friends and I would swing by, inhale five or six hotdogs apiece, and she’d be cooking more, saying “Eat more! Eat eat!”
Well, ok! So we ate.
We’d always invite Gary to come trick or treating with us, but he’d always decline “No, no, I can’t, it’s the holiday of the devil” and so forth.
Well, ok Gary. Thanks for the hot dogs!
Fast forward five years.
I’m working at a gas station, and this harley pulls into the station to fill up. The guy’s got long hair, a huge beard, arms covered in tattoos, piercings everywhere, very well muscled. The kind of guy that always makes you nervous.
He comes in, stops, and shouts “RYAN!” (Not actually the name of my dad.)
“Uh… hi?”
“Don’t you remember me?”
*Confused expression*
“It’s Gary!”
*Mental wheels turning furiously*
“My mom always made those fucking hot dogs?”
“Oh! GARY!” *looks pointedly at tattoos*
“I guess I changed a little, huh?”
“Yeah, you used to never come trick or treating with us!”
“I go treating or treating all the time now!”
Then he turned to the old lady behind him and yelled “TRICK OR TREAT!”
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You know Jehovah’s Witnesses? They’re the same all over the world, anyone can identify them from miles away. Nice pants, nice shirt, name tag, clean shaven, bible and magazines under their arms.
There was this new subdivision of homes in Abbotsford, relatively new, about 300 houses. These two Jehovah’s Witnesses were going house to house, everyone saw them.
They’d head up, knock or ring the doorbell, and try to talk to the occupant about God. Then they’d move to the next, and so on.
Then, at one house, a man answered the door, and the two Witnesses produced guns from somewhere and shot the guy to death. They got back into their car and drove off.
Hitmen, it would seem. Didn’t know where the guy was, so they went door to door witnessing for God to fnd him.
Well over 500 witnesses to the hit, and nobody knew anything.
What were they wearing?
“Black dress pants, white shirt…”
Any distinguishing features? Tattoos?
“Of course not! They were Jehovahs! You know, no facial hair, little name tag?”
What did the name tag say?
“Church of Latter Day Saints or something.”
Well, did you get a good look at them?
“I spoke to them!”
What did they say?
“I dunno, I yelled at them to go away and slammed the door. That’s what you’re supposed to do!”
Those guys were innovative.
Happy Thanksgiving, Canadian style!
And those are some stories your dad has. O_O
wow, those are soooome hitmen. I don’t think I’ll EVER open the door for witnesses again.
[...]
TRICK OR TREAT!!!
Reminds me of one saturday morning a few years back… There must have been about 10 of us still going from the party the previous night, when around 930am two witnesses knock on the door.
Did we turn them away?
No! What’s the fun in that?
We invited them in, sat them down, gave them coffee and demanded they explain themselves and their wacky doctrine, while a crowd of people in various states of inebriation heckled them, poked fun, asked misleading questions and eventually laughed hysterically as they made their excuses and left.
Unlucky buggers
I was having dinner with a pastor once and two Witnesses came a-knocking. He pulled out this really old greek bible and tore them to shreds. I almost felt bad
Did you have Turducken?
I cooked my first turkey today… well, turkey breast… good times.
To the first Story: I wanted to be that guy when I was little. Seriously, the top four things I wanted in life at age five or so were a motorcycle, a silver earring, long hair, and a leather jacket.. so far I have all except the leather jacket.
To the second story: And your Dad wonders why you have very little faith in humanity! (In reference to a much earlier post about stupid people, namely lost hikers and people who should have saved said lost hikers, and how they’re stupid)
Correction, all except for the motorcycle*..
I’ve got a story that involves a friend from my youth and murder. It’s not a funny story though, just sad and disturbing because I thought the guy seemed normal when we were younger. Link
FYI: Jehovah’s Witnesses and Latter Day Saints are two different sects.
Grim
They are completely different, glad to see someone else noticed!
That’s part of the joke!
Ok, I honestly don’t get the latter day saints bit.
Did they just write down the wrong thing on their nametags or something? Because I caught it and just figured part of the joke was that no one could distinguish between Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons… and that they’re equally annoying?
I /fail, sorry
“no one could distinguish between Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons”
This.