I, the master of the arcane arts and QQ of all forms, am now officially attending a post secondary institution, in order to bleed off that extra twenty grand I got kicking around under my bed (I am lying).
I, a young, handsome, humble, cynical, anti-social bastard am entering the adult world wide eyed and filled with disbelief that the real world is so goddamn retarded. Oh, do I have rants, so very many rants. Think of the worst, most idiotic PuG you’ve ever been in. That PuG is the pinnacle of intelligent efficiency compared to the real world. It’s like people immediately lose 40 IQ points the second they walk out their front door.
See, so far, in my wisdom, I have learned one universal truth: absolutely everyone is stupid. Your neighbor is stupid. Your father is stupid. Every friend you have ever had is stupid. You are stupid. I am stupid. There exists not one human who is not stupid.
But I’m not here to inflict yet another jaded rant, I’m here to say “sorry guys, but university is kinda important”.
The quick and dirty: I’m going for a history major, as it’s the only subject area left in academia that I don’t suck at or am bored by.
History? NOT BORING?! History is awesome dudes!
Frederick the Great, mighty leader of Prussia in the 1700s, watched his best friend’s execution when he was 18! Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle are the founders of every academic discipline ever!
See the things you learn?
Anyway, my first day at university essentially convinced me that I was in the right place. I’ve delayed too long, this is going to be a beautiful (if expensive) relationship.
Imagine my university as a living, breathing organism. Now imagine that organism can read my mind.
First day, new student welcome. There’s a free BBQ. There is no force in the universe greater than free food. I can, will, and have levitated for a chance at a free burger.
I eat my first one, and dissatisfied, return for more. I ask the cute girl (wo)manning the barbecue if I can haz seconds. She says: “Well… we’re not supposed to, but… you can go ahead. Just don’t tell anyone.”
Then she says “Would you like two patties?”
My eyes misted, a smile came to my face, a single tear rolled down my right cheek. “You know me so well, maiden of grilled cattle!”
This being the new student welcome, there are lots of little booths, filled with helpful people attempting to hawk their wares. Their wares, in this case, being pamphlets and ads for the various free services on campus.
I was accosted by a small group, handing out flyers to their university aid seminars. Things like how to manage stress, how to properly study for exams, and the like.
The first, the very first conference on the list?
“How to deal with annoying people.”
I was ecstatic!
“How to deal with annoying people?! That’s perfect! Exactly what I need! Definitely going to that one.”
They got the message and left me alone after that.
Hilarious Things Said By Professors
“It took nearly a century for the potato to catch on in Europe. People were suspicious of it, as it grew underground and there was no mention of the potato in the Bible. It also had spots, and was thought to spread leprosy.”
“Robespierre was not the only Jacobin to try to commit suicide instead of being executed. One Jacobin hurled himself down a flight of stairs, succeeding in breaking a leg. Another hurled himself out of a window, only to break his arm. Robespierre himself, of course, shot himself in the face, but only broke his jaw. In the morning, all were guillotined.”
“You are all ignorant undergraduate morons.”
“These air fields were to be constructed and used as a pre-emptive strike against canadian air fields. They were supposed to be kept secret, but their existence was accidentally published on the front page of the New York Times.”
“The French armies lost many battles in rapid succession. This was primarily due to the utter incompetence of the commanding officers.”
Majoring in History is awesome, you’ll love it. Plus history profs are *hands down* the most quotable of all. I accumulated pages of (wacky but true!) quotes over the years.
Yeah, I suspect History is much more quotable than Chemical Engineering.
When a prof tries to explain the mechanism of a pump by relating it to squeezing the last drops of urine from your wiener, you know you’re in for a rough go.
Naw, that stuff’s easy. You want ugly? Talk about a Computer Science professor (for the frickin’ survey class, even – Oh, how I wish they’d let me challenge out of the class), who was pro-WebMD who thought we, as the class, should know about all his health issues, in great detail, and how he was able to countermand his doctors based off information he found about his symptoms online.
If I never hear about bowel movements again in a college classroom, it will be too soon. Ugh.
Good luck, though, Euripedes, in your scholastic endeavors.
My 2 yen,
Akiosama
If you are in for interesting coursework I would suggest picking up a philosophy degree along with your history. They complement each other well and philosophy will expand your mind in a way you never thought possible.
I went with electrical engineering and mathematics. Skip electrical engineering…this shit sucks! Mathematics is very interesting and surprisingly similar, in many aspects, to philosophy and pure logic.
Best of luck to you at the university.
p.s. My favorite professor quote came from a fluid dynamics course. Our professor had a very thick Chinese accent and he was discussing the general location of the center of pressure and the center of gravity (often call the center of the body). Of course, with the accent is sounded like:
“The center of pleasure is just below the center of the body.”
History: The study of what already happened because it will happen again. Then we doze off in class and then get surprised by the newspaper.
I had a history professor who regularly made terrible puns along the lines of: “The Spartans didn’t know *what the Helots* were up to”. Emphasis his. /facepalm
Later I did some transcription of medical school lectures where the prof’s main point was that Imodium is as strong a narcotic as morphine, just its effects are not so pleasant…
Now I have a male, heterosexual, criminal law prof who goes off on detailed tangents about Prada shoes. O_o
Good luck in school, professors say the darndest things.
My favorite thing with college (sarcastically) I had to apply for graduation to be in the ceremony. I walked, got the empty diploma cover and finished my one remaining class in the summer. I call in the fall to ask why I never got my degree to which they replied “you never applied for graduation.” I had to apply for graduation a SECOND time to actually be done. . .
Whoah yeah.. here comes the source for a whole new round of inspiring posts.
Good luck Rip… the best thing about humanities courses is the more your (concisely) bullshit the higher the mark.
I actually had an IT lecturer (for several subjects) where his courses weren’t about what was, but rather what *could be*.
Boy did I I turn on the shit… boy did the high marks roll in… including official recognition from the Uni for being top of his class…
Silly buggers…
My personal favorite professorial quote on the first day of school,” There is a special place reserved in hell for teachers who use the entire first day of classes for a lesson.”
Also.. I’ve been in and out of school for a few years now (I’m 23). Tried full time classes originally, failed miserably, and decided to work full time for a year after said epic fail year. Did that, thought I was fine, and went back to full time school. I then had a partial epic fail. Did full time work and part time school.. still partial fail.
The point?
Don’t ever sleep through a class more than once, and don’t let your job keep you working after 11 o’clock at night, if you have one.
Don’t study at home, if possible study on campus.
Lastly, pack a lunch, it’ll save you money.
I lied.. the real last comment is this:
CONGRATULATIONS ON GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!
(I refuse to apologize for the caps, they are deserved)
uni = 5 years to repay the cost of a piece of paper
Library and internet provides better quality education and at an affordable price – imo.
Uni = 5 years to repay the cost of a piece of paper. Books, blogs and the internet provide a better, more up to date & equally as quality of an education at an affordable (free?) price.
You’re not wrong, but you’re missing the point. A uni degree is not gained for the degree, it is not gained for the knowledge. A uni degree is gained to show the rest of the world that you know it, it is what gets you in the door at the firm you want to work at (and don’t misunderstand, it does nothing more than that). Without a uni degree, you will not find employment and BCG, at McKinsey and Co., at Ernst and Young, as an educator, as a Doctor. Without a uni degree you will not gain entry to the ‘professional’ world (not that you will not be a professional, you will not enter the world and industry that define themselves as professional).
I do not intend to claim that without a uni degree you cannot complete the work, nor that without a uni degree you cannot think, nor that without a uni degree you are confined to a life of drudgery. Anyone who did is clearly false and many of the most influential people in my life do not have degrees. I do claim that a uni degree is almost mandatory should you desire to work in a profession.
You can get there without a uni degree, but claiming that the cost is less than the cost to attain one is fallacy, either in time, opportunity cost or direct cost.
My pity is that a uni degree is almost universal enough that I’m going to need a Masters level degree to establish myself as an expert. Sadfase.
5 years to repay a piece of paper that boasts ‘qualified’.
It is true that the paper that does represent higher IQ or better employee/person. It simply indicates specific knowledge and in some cases experience qualification.
Edit: does not represent higher IQ.
Hoorah! I’m 8 weeks out from finishing my degree!
It gets hard. Really hard. I’m not talking about the uni work, if you enjoy it, it’s easy and fun. I’m talking about the rest of your life outside of Uni.
I’m 25, 50K in debt and (bless this economy) it looks like I’ll be working in retail next year. I live in the most epically student house there is (my housemate works as a Whore, I’m the only person who eats meat, the house is fucking filthy), I don’t sleep well because I work 35 hours a week as well as uni work. I don’t see my family, I don’t have any spare money, my Girlfriend is convinced that I don’t love her anymore.
I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I hope you really enjoy your degree and it takes you to where you want to be. Survive through the hard times, it will all be worth it in the end.
Congratulations.
Also, you should totally get Blizzard to give you a “Master of QQ Euripedes” title, haha!
Dear sir, a hearty congrats to you. I will leave you with the same advice my now departed father gave me when I left for my undergraduate studies:
“Don’t let you classes get in the way of your education.”
Skarlarth and Co
Medivh
That’s actually a quote from Mark Twain. Your awesome father was a well read man
My take on it is—if you’re going to pay someone several thousand dollars and jump through various hoops (registration, requirements, tests, papers, class attendance, dealing with primitive technologies, crazy professors, and that kid who talks too much …) for the I’m-Not-Stupid,-World! piece of paper that will let you score a halfway decent job—you might as well learn something interesting while you’re at it.
After all, unless you plan to go into one of a handful of specific fields (medicine/health, law, education, chemistry, engineering), the nature of your degree isn’t really important. They’ll give you job training, after all.
Good luck and enjoy it.
I finished mine (In Environmental Science) 18 months ago, and it was the best three years ever. So what if I’m £25K in debt, the Student Loans Company will probably never get it back, and they know it.
Do everything you can in your first year, if its anything like most degrees, 40% is all you need at the end of the first year, and it doesn’t count towards your final grade. In your second year prepare for the worst, the workload doubles/triples and becomes a whole lot harder!
Be nice to your lecturers/proffessors, get to know them if you can, in your final year when you really dont understand something, cant find a paper, or just want someone to rant at, its surprising how many of them will help.
And finally, get all the free stuff you can! For some reason, they like giving students free shizzle!
I have a BA in psychology at the mo. I’m currently at school as of 3 weeks ago to study to become a Massage Therapist. Maybe I can make it into a double deal where I can work on people physically and mentally for the price of one.
Going back to school is scary but I think it’s a good thing.