Alas, Dear Hunter, for Thee Suckethe Mightily

There’s a lot of hate going around this weekend, so I figured I’d join in. Who doesn’t want to start off their work week by shaking their heads and saying “boy oh boy, knowing I’m better than someone else makes me feel so good!”

This is a story that actually happened quite a while ago, mostly because I wanted to see if the hunter in question ever decided to become non-stupid. Happily, the answer is no, as Mr. Trollson is still proudly sporting strength gear and a tanking cloak.

But Rip! I can hear the complaints already. What if he just doesn’t know what he’s doing?!

First off, bullshit, he’s been aware of the existence of blogs like BigRedKitty, Hunter’s Mark and Aspect of the Hare since that Naxx run four months ago.

Second off…

Well, settle in, kodo excrement is about to cease being imaginary in status.

This was a continuation of an in-progress Naxx run. Two wings had already been cleared, Construct and Military left to go. First up, Patchwerk, naturally.

Trollson asked in raid chat which pet he should bring. A reasonable question for a new hunter. Being the only one in the raid with a hunter above level 70, I gave him a whisper to find out what options he had.

I swear I am not making this up.

He had a gorilla at 79 and a cat at 75.

I was stunned momentarily. But I recovered quickly, after all, it did make sense. As a brand new 80, of course he would only have a gorilla at level cap! It’s only logical for below average hunters.

I told him to bring the gorilla. A level 75 cat isn’t going to be able to hit anything. At least a 79 tenacity pet stands to actually hit something.

Then he asked me about spec, something more better for raiding.

WHOA. Hold up there! A hunter actually willing to learn?! Sheer glee!

I asked him what his current spec was. 71/0/0.

Oh dear. Laddy, we got us some work tae dew.

So I gave him some tips for a more better raiding spec. Drop points from the BM tree, get Mortal Shots, that thing that makes your intellect into AP, that thing that gives your pet focus when you crit, etc, etc.

You know, just real basic stuff.

He thanked me, and followed my advice to the letter, except where he didn’t (Improved Concussive Shot is apparently better than Careful Aim), and I said “hey, no problem man, just helping out a newbie.”

That’s when I sent him the way of the wise, and to go check out the hunter blogs mentioned above, amongst others. (Rilgon, you hilarious son of a bitch you, never stop posting on MMO Champ.)

And that’s when he dropped the bomb.

“Oh no, I’m not new, I’ve been raiding since vanilla. I’m just new to 80 DPS.” (Spelling here exaggerated to be correct.)

Oh I see. Maybe he played a healer before. I mean, I’ve met plenty of healers who couldn’t DPS themselves out of a cardboard box if their life depended on it (hi there, Leotheras the Blind, long time no see).

So I went along with it. I said something about being happy to help a new hunter, it’s not always easy learning an entirely new class, and so forth. Just real nicey nicey stuff.

It was at that point he got a little grumpy. He’d apparently been raiding for a long time as a hunter, and claimed to have downed Kael’Thas last expansion.

Uh huh.

Sure.

At this point, there’s really only two explanations of why this guy is utterly clueless about huntering:

• Brain damage
• Carried by friends who were too nice to tell him he sucked

I shrugged, washed my hands of it, and was basically confident that I could easily pick up his slack in the DPS department.

So we clear to Patchy, pull him, and down the guy. Hurray for loots and so on.

He sent me a whisper roughly every 12 seconds from zone in to Patchy dying.

This would explain his sub-900 DPS.

That’s right.

Less than NINE HUNDRED damage per second on PATCHWERK.

The only raid boss in the entire end game where you can just stand there and DPS as hard as you can, and… well you get the point.

Before you ask, yes, his gorilla made up 70% of his damage.

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[The following break is provided courtesy of Lucasfilm LTD for your facepalming pleasure.]

<(^_^<)

^( ^_^ )^

(>^_^)>

:{D/–<

:{D|–<

:{D\–<

Why yes, that is a fancy moustache!

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“Anyone remember raiding original Naxx?”

YES.

YES.

So this hunter, armed with a 79 gorilla with taunt turned on (of course it was turned on!) who failed to crack 900 DPS on Patchwerk said he had RAIDED and CLEARED the original 40 man Naxxramas!

Oh yeah. And the gorilla’s name was bigMAMA.

Never have I felt so bad for a tiny collection of pixels. Imagine being that poor gorilla, hopelessly devoted to such a hunter.

He feeds you a delicious treat, and tells you to go taunt the big evil bad guy. You charge in and taunt, more than happy to fulfill your master’s wishes.

Then Gluth whirls around and kills you instantly.

Then you get rezzed, are told to charge in and taunt, then you die, then you get rezzed…

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